It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die
I pleaded and begged for some Peace.
The Gods they just laughed at me
From them I’d get no release.
‘What should I do?’ I asked my shattered mind
As I panicked with each desperate breath.
The sun no longer shines anymore
The Sun’s been put to death.
‘I try and I try, but I cannot make sense
Of the Storms and the thunder inside
No place to run, no one can hear me
From my burning mind I can’t hide.
I lost another Sister to mental illness last week. She took her life, after living for years in hell with a mind that was fucked, and refused to function.
YET, she did 12 years research on ‘the mind’ when she was diagnosed, determined to ‘fix’ her mind. but you see, the demon that is mental illness, won. No matter that she built a hugely successful career, is a published writer ( on how to deal with your mind, or actually, more accurately, how to master your mind), which is now used by therapists in their practices, ironically, didn’t work.
She was a Master trainer in hypnotherapy, NLP, and so many other things I dont even remember, and she was a true genius. She was an incredible self taught musician, poet, writer, leather maker, artist, singer. Impossible, that someone can be so talented, and yet, never properly educated thanks to an upbringing of poverty be such an amazing high achiever.
But there she was all of it. Still, the demon called mental illness WILL win every time. She even had a doctorate. If you google her name, she is referred to as Dr. Terri Ann Laws.
whaaat? you say? How does someone who is THAT intelligent, talented and entrepreneurial especially about learning everything there is to know, determined and desperate to fix and heal and take control of their broken minds, end up being a victim to this cruel evil condition?
Simple. Mental illness doesn’t give a shit about what colour you are, where you come from, how smart you are, how rich or poor you are, what clothes you wear, how educated you are, how hard you try to defeat it, it seems to laugh at every positive affirmation you repeat over and over again, believing that these ‘positive affirmations’ will somehow programme your sick mind to be ‘well’. Not possible. A sick mind, stays sick. It’s just the depths that vary.
My heart is shattered obviously. I loved her. She taught me so much. She was funny, charming, witty, clever, had enormous intellect and a sense of humour that was so good it was wicked. This didn’t have to happen, but then I ask myself;
‘Would it have been worth continuing to live in torment, mental hell, for the rest of your life, continuously stuffing up with people, changing personalities, out of your control, forgetting your friends, saying terrible things to people that you don’t even remember saying….and believing shit that doesn’t exist, all the while tormented by the demons in your head’?
‘ Or would it not be better, that you let death take you. Free you from the horror that is more real than anyone will, or can believe, and finally, finally, be at Peace?’
HOW did she manage to accomplish what she did? We could ask the same about Einstein, also apparently insane.
Suicide is completely understandable and actually takes a shit load of courage to actually carry it out successfully. I understand why she took her life. But I cannot let her go. It’s selfish to feel this way, because it’s not a death we should mourn, but rather celebrate a Spirit’s new life. She is gone. Only her shell is left, waiting to be cremated.
Astonishingly, this is a poem from her book called ‘Help! I’m going crazy! which she wrote many many years ago, when convinced she was conquering the demons in her head, and would beat them. What made her write this poem, is simply alarming to me; It seems there’s always truth in what we project, even if we’re doing it poetically.
Fly free little bird. May the demons no longer haunt you.
I miss you deeply.
In loving memory of Dr. Terri Ann Laws,
another victim to the disease we call ‘mental illness’.
Its occurred to me, (duh) that, due to en masse media bullshit, people are becoming slaves to crap they neither want or need.
If someone hits a tweet on making £50 with Bitcoin over the weekend, (because bragging seems to validate some people), then a hundred or thousand will quickly scoop over to get a piece of the action. I mean, if your friends are dabbling in other currencies, my God, so should you be right? you’re gonna be loaded soon! But no one told you, you need to watch the market like a hawk, forsaking everyone while you play all day, and almost wet yourself, when or if, you make £2.00 – wow PROFIT!! But if you LOSE £2.00 , you go into instant depression.
so my point is this.
What is actually important? I mean, what really matters while you’re alive?
Eating healthily? ….uh no, we’re all dying, and besides, that piece of toast with peanut butter you deprived yourself of this morning, seems utterly stupid, as you’re lying in hospital when a car hit you, while you were crossing the street. Both legs broken, looks like that ‘ol excercise regime is on hold for a while! (Pass the peanut butter toast please).
Running every morning for half an hour and then hauling weights to get a super hot bod?…….uh no, you could develop an illness at any time, be put on meds, that make you balloon in size. Even if you up your running to 2 hours a day, your metabolism is screwed, so nope, your gorgeous curves are now meaty rolls.
ok you get my drift.
So what matters then? New car?…nope, new house?….nope. You see NOTHING outside of you means anything, if you’re not at peace with who and what you are.
YOU MUST FIND HAPPY!
when you’re on your deathbed, what will give you peace?
Because peace and joy with ourselves, is the only “thing” that no one can take, can’t crash on the stock market, loves you rolls and all, and finds immense joy, in that old car you drive. Of course the peanut butter toast goes without saying.
Laughing until your tummy aches, even though your clothes aren’t “on trend” and your hair is looking like a birds nest, is an instant healing elixir for your entire body, even if no one likes your joke!
the absolute Most freeing feeling in the whole world, is
WHEN YOU STOP GIVING A SHIT!
not that you don’t care about anything. It just doesn’t matter like it used to, causing so much stress you’re struggling to breathe. So, you simply don’t mind.
swopping distress for acceptance and joy, opens up a real world for you. One that matters to you!
So, if you dabble in bitcoin for e.g. for FUN, coz you have some extra boodle, and if you lose it all, it doesn’t matter, because you’re ok with that. But If it matters don’t go there.
we cannot hope to predict anything. Tomorrow doesn’t exist, yesterday is gone and no longer exists, but NOW is alive. Make this moment happy, and relish that peanut butter piece of toast. Yum!
When we talk about abuse, there are many various ways people see abuse, or feel about abuse.
Some people feel that if the shop owner shouts at them for reading a magazine without paying for it, that is abuse.
Other people feel that if their Spouse comes home and moans about the dinner, that is abuse.
And yet another person who’s partner slaps them around the face when he or she is angry, feels that is abuse.
Can we call the above actions abusive?
Yes of course we can. But as adults, we’re able to process what is being hurled at us, and deal with it appropriately.
A child however, when neglected; or sexually abused; physically abused; mentally abused or emotionally abused; doesn’t see or know that they’re being abused. They normally internalize the horrific abuse they are suffering, and blame themselves for doing something ‘wrong’.
They try hard to find out what they’re doing wrong, because in their innocent minds, they believe that they must be doing something wrong to be so hurt in so many ways all the time, or frequently, mostly by people who are supposed to love them. People they trust and look up to. So something like the following happens;
‘I must be quieter, if I don’t talk or laugh then I’m a good girl/boy , then they’ll love me’….so the child loses his or her voice.
‘If I hide away all day, in the bushes, or in the park, then they won’t see me and I’ll be safe for a while and I won’t make them angry’….so the child becomes invisible. Losing Self at the same time.
‘If I make tea all day and cook dinner, even though the stove is a bit high up for me, they’ll see what a good hard working boy/girl I am, and then they’ll love me’….so the child becomes a slave in his or her home..growing up to believe that to be loved is to work as hard as one can no matter what the work is.
There are a gazillion examples of how small children who are being abused think and feel, but always, always they try their best to ‘fix’ it. Never does the abused child believe that their parents, siblings, Uncles, Aunts or anyone else that they love, does these things to them, because they’re HORRIBLE, EVIL people who should be shot.
Never does the abused child seek help, because he or she believes they’re naughty and deserve the punishment. It doesn’t occur to an innocent child, that they can seek help; and what is being done to them, is evil and deeply despicable in it’s worst form.
One of the WORST outcomes of childhood abuse, (apart from death), is the child consenting to the abuse, believing that is love. The fact that whatever the abuse is, is hurting them and causing massive damage and harm to them physically, emotionally and mentally, does not enter their minds. They learn to accept it, believing that this is what love is…..so the child grows up moving from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, never able to settle down with a healthy relationship, because they’ve grown up with abuse. The abused child – now adult, recognises abuse as love. If they’re not being abused, they may feel unloved, because actual love, the reality of love, is foreign to them. Like a language they don’t understand.
The other HORROR that comes from such abuse in a small child’s life, is mental illness. Not only are they scarred from years of abuse in one form or another or many at the same time, but they’re then stuck with a broken brain, that won’t function normally, suffer deep depressions, and very often end up killing themselves and/or self harming. Not due to the abuse strangely enough, but due to the resultant mental illness the abuse has caused.
This reality brought me to thinking about what is happening to the Children stuck in war zones around the World. Starving Children, who get slapped or punched if they don’t stop crying from hunger, or ignored, or put out to prostitution from as young as 8 years old.
Children lying next to their dead Mother’s or Father’s, with blood gushing out their Parent’s head, desperately trying to wake their Mother or Father up. Not understanding what is going on, and terrified.
Children who are so traumatised at the sight of their entire families being blown up, they too, lose their voices, and if they do ever manage to speak again, they usually stutter or suffer other speech impediments….and definitely suffer a mental illness.
I won’t go on. It’s way too distressing, but to say that if you are a victim of Child abuse in any form or fashion, whether you suffer a mental illness because of it or not. Take your power back! Tell yourself it never was your fault. Forgive yourself. Sounds crazy, but you carry guilt only due to the fact that you could never process what was happening to you in the right way, so forgive yourself.
I always advise people who write to me as I’m a mental health advocate; to write it all down. Be brave. Be courageous. Write everything you endured down and then read it. Read it again. Accept it, because you cannot change it. Then burn the paper you’ve written it on. Every time a memory crops up, immediately drop it. Don’t dwell on it.
The past is over. It no longer exists. You cannot bring one moment of the past into your present. Good or bad. So let it go. Drop it. Everytime a thought about whomever it was that hurt you comes into your head, drop the thought immediately.
No matter how bitter, broken, hurt, angry, disappointed, or wishful we are about a horrendous Childhood; won’t change it, or make it better. Nothing will candy coat the sickening truth. So acceptance (not forgiving or writing to that person, or even thinking of them) is necessary, for healing.
Not accepting what or who they are, but accepting that the past happened. It’s done. No amount of therapy will make it pretty.
Basically, you can’t unfuck a fuck, but you can choose to drop it.
Past and future are in the mind only — I am now.
– Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
The ‘self help’ industry implemented a brilliant marketing strategy that has been fine tuned. These are people who market people’s fears, in a covert way, leading them to believe they ‘need’ help. Advertising their books promising to ‘make sure you get what you want’, or, ‘how to manifest’…(with loads of mantras for you to keep repeating daily), ad nauseum. ‘Self Help Gurus’ like Anthony Robbins, are a classic example.
There is massive power in suggestion.
They all have marketing teams second to none who have fine tuned their art. As unsuspecting sheeple, who’ll believe anything, due to the fact that we’re either miserable, insecure, looking to manifest millions believing that’ll improve our happiness, (fed by media bullshit) – or simply want a different life to what we’re currently living believe that we ‘need’ people like him! Don’t get me wrong. I’ve nothing against Anthony Robbins or any other ‘Self help Gurus‘, they’ve just perfected the art of making money out of people’s insecurities. In fact, as awful as I feel it is, their strategies are brilliant!
When you read a ‘Self help’ book, what that book is in fact confirming for you, is you need help. All the ‘positive’ affirmations in the book, cleverly keep you believing that what the ‘self help Guru’ is teaching you, is going to ‘make you better’ (whatever you perceive better to be), which continues instilling a ‘negative’ in you, confirming your insecurity, which keeps you glued and coming back for more, in the hopes that if you follow the ‘self help Guru’s’ advice, your life will be ‘better’, ‘more’, bigger’, grander!’
This is very smart subliminal messaging.
Say for example, that you’ve been feeling down, or simply unmotivated for a while. Unless you have a medical ailment, this kind of feeling is very normal, and it always will pass.
However, for various reasons, – In a desperate bid to get rid of ‘what it is’ that you are feeling, not accepting that it’s just part of life and nothing wrong with you, you go searching for a self help book, hoping that by reading all about how to ‘help’ yourself, you’ll feel much better in no time!
Well…without you realising it, what you are in fact doing, is affirming to yourself that there IS something ‘wrong’ with you, and you need HELP!
You’re essentially kept in the place of feeling ‘not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough….’ and, all the self help book is doing, is agreeing with your perceptions about yourself, giving you certain ‘words’ or ‘tools’ to ‘fix’ (something that’s not wrong). So by keeping you in the ‘negative’ about yourself, you’ll even pay thousands to attend seminars by ‘self help Guru’s’, believing that they have some magic wand that’ll make you very successful, rich, important or whatever else you think you need or should be, because if ‘they’ can do it, hell, so can you right? Wrong!
Well that’s not essentially true. I was once told that ‘bullshit baffles brains’…and no truer saying have I ever come across. If you have money, and employ a good marketing company, come up with ANY idea, no matter how ridiculous it is, you’ll win over thousands of fans, and earn a fortune, due to the sheer gullibility of people.
Fashion trends show this clearly!
If YSL pays a model like Naomi Campbell, who millions of both young, mature women and men look up to and admire, she’ll wear a sack cloth down the runway during Fashion Week, and everyone who can afford a sack cloth that costs a few Pence, will pay a few hundred Pounds or Dollars for the sack, from a very expensive store, and wear it with pride, no matter how ridiculous they look, or how depleted their bank accounts are.
The infamous ‘pet rock’ is another classic example of people’s gullibility. When the guy who picked up a rock, packaged it in a box and gave it a name – ‘pet rock’, he made Millions! People actually paid good money for a ROCK!?? With a brilliant marketing strategy, all brains were baffled and millions of rocks were sold as ‘pets’! How insanely ridiculous can it get?
You get what I’m saying here. People need to ‘wake up’!! Why do we continuously allow Politicians, Educators, Fashion ‘trends’, and the Media mostly to influence us? Why are we so terribly insecure?
Well, everyone was happy doing their thing back then. Women dressed clean but simply, as did men, and nobody had an ego complex. In fact, few people took notice of the fact that others wore the same kind of clothes they did. It was the norm!. If Betty wore a yellow dress in a particular style, so did Veronica. Veronica just wore a different colour. Both women looked perfectly lovely, and felt good about themselves.
Then a man called ‘Bernaise’ invented marketing and consumerism back in the 20’s, and made people feel less than dog turd with his advertising campaigns that covered cars to shoes, if they didn’t ‘purchase the latest and greatest. The banks stepped in to give people loans (on paper) to keep them in debt and again, cleverly make them believe that they ‘had’ money (which they didn’t have)… and from there, the rest is history.
I think it’s high time that we woke up to what is actually important and real and true.
Stop letting the bullshit baffle your brains.
You don’t need anyone’s help, (to be a better person), you don’t need to wear the latest sack cloth, and you don’t have to cut your hair like Victoria Beckham. If you chant every night for 6 hours, you won’t ‘manifest’ the lotto, and if you don’t eat meat for a month, you won’t be immune to cancer. Life IS. Flow with life and stop fighting it. The more you simplify your life, the more peace you’ll have. (Sorry, I sound like a ‘self help guru’) LOL..but it’s all true! Work it out for yourself.
You are in reality a FREE person, believing you’re a slave, but you’d never admit that. How terrified are you of your boss? and why?
If only you’d break free of the chains you’ve bound yourself in with the help of subliminal bullshit, that’s made you believe you’re just not good enough, pretty enough, handsome enough, tall enough, thin enough….It’s ENOUGH!
Break free from the Vultures, and let your wings soar with the Eagles.
Deb@crazyandsane 