The Mind is the Source of Happiness and Unhappiness…Buddha

How do I do this? Seriously, HOW the fuck do I do this?

They’re holding your ‘ceremony’ where they’ll sprinkle your ashes in the forest, and then the dysfunctional shitty lot of them, will all get pissed, be ever so dramatic, talk about wonderful, crazy, exciting, witty, daredevil stunts you did, many of which will be untrue, but they’ll all  agree, nod their heads,  exclaiming ‘exactly!; in tandom, no matter what anyone says about you.

Some will cry and sob, and make it all about them, just so that others can put an arm around their shoulders and whisper, ‘oh don’t cry honey, I know it hurts, but she’s in a better place’, and that’ll make the self pitying, self loving, self obsessed person feel so much better. Of course, it’ll become all about who is the most ‘hurt’…how ‘wrong and unfair’ it is that you took your life. So many questions will be asked amoungst them, stupid questions like ‘WHY? she had such a good life!’ or, ‘WHY didn’t she reach out to ME!’ ‘I would’ve helped her! I could’ve stopped her!’ and their pointless self serving bullshit will go on the entire day.

I hear they’re going to be streaming the ‘ceremony’ they’re holding for you, to all who loved you, so that they can be there in real time, albeit over the net. That’s good. I’m happy. There are many people that truly loved you. Your severe mental illness, wouldn’t allow your mind to acknowledge that though. I get that. It’s not your fault.

So my precious Sister. I’m sorry I won’t be at the ‘big’ ceremony. I cannot partake in a party filled with self serving, egotistical, dysfunctional people. As you know, hell, I’m not that functional myself!

I’m sorry I don’t have the guts to join them.

Please understand that I will, with my own family, go to the place where they hold your ceremony the weekend after. To the woods where they’ll scatter your ashes,  with my statue of Buddha firmly under my arm. Incense in hand, loads of candles, that I hope the wind won’t blow out and incense. Lots of incense.

We’ll sit quietly where your ashes are sprinkled. One of us will sing to you. I’ll light all the candles and put flowers all over Buddha. I’ll put your scarf around Buddha, and we’ll sit in a circle holding hands, then as the Gods hold our hands, we’ll peacefully let you go.

I hurt. I pray you have found the freedom now, to really live in Peace.

Your ever loving Sister. I will miss you forever.

buddha

 

 

 

Wolves raised by Lions  

People who suffer with mental illness, in this case, lets say ‘bipolar disorder and/or borderline disorder’ are, apart from all the tears, fears, loneliness and other horrors, only trying to find our pack.

It is my feeling, that we are like wolves, having been raised by lions.! We just don’t belong here.

We’ll think of a wonderful, exciting, over the top, crazy wonderful thing to do, but our ‘lion’ pack will look at us with crossed eyebrows, a bit of irritation and tell us to ‘calm down’. To ‘not be so silly’, or the worst ‘have you taken your meds today?’

Our wolf pack, where we actually belong, would’ve run with us, tumbled in the grass, laughed out loudly, and been as excited as we are!

The lions who have raised us, are simply not like us. They don’t think the way we do. They don’t know what we know and they do not understand us. Often we annoy them with our playful, cheeky natures, and when we don’t want to play, they cannot move us, no matter how loudly they roar!

Our wolf pack, who we are desperately searching for, know us. They understand us, and when we don’t want to play, they will lie down next to us, to ensure we feel safe. Wolves don’t roar. Wolves howl at the full moon, because wolves are spiritual creatures. Lions are beautiful but basic.

We are not basic, yet we are beautiful.

We don’t roar, we howl. We howl for many reasons and every single one of them come from deep within our core. We can howl for days on end, and our sadness in knowing that the lions who raised us, just don’t ‘get it’, makes us howl louder, or, quietens us down, as we creep into a hole, the way wolves do.

We want to dance in the tulips.

We want to play in the rain.

We want to roll in the grass, and slip in the mud.

We want to learn how to pole dance, even if we are 20 pounds overweight, because we have long since stopped worrying about our size.

We want to get up on stage and sing a song, even though we sing out of tune, because it’s fun!

We want to laugh with little children, and dry their tears when they cry, because somehow, we identify with them.

We want to care for the elderly and make them smile, because by cheering up just one person, makes it all worth it.

We walk our talk, and we talk our truth.

We are not fickle, nor do we pretend.

We are authentic and real, and although we are not easy to understand, we are honest in all ways.

We are not crazy, we are wonderfully colourful, brave and strong.

We are wolves, looking for our pack.

 

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In Loving Memory Of When I Gave A Shit.

Its occurred to me, (duh) that, due to en masse media bullshit, people are becoming slaves to crap they neither want or need.

If someone hits a tweet on making £50 with Bitcoin over the weekend, (because bragging seems to validate some people), then a hundred or thousand will quickly scoop over to get a piece of the action. I mean, if your friends are dabbling in other currencies, my God, so should you be right? you’re gonna be loaded soon! But no one told you, you need to watch the market like a hawk, forsaking everyone while you play all day, and almost wet yourself, when or if, you make £2.00  –  wow PROFIT!! But if you LOSE £2.00 , you go into instant depression.

so my point is this.

What is actually important? I mean, what really matters while you’re alive?

Eating healthily? ….uh no, we’re all dying, and besides, that piece of toast with peanut butter you deprived yourself of this morning, seems utterly stupid, as you’re lying in hospital when a car hit you, while you were crossing the street. Both legs broken, looks like that ‘ol excercise regime is on hold for a while! (Pass the peanut butter toast please).

Running every morning for half an hour and then hauling weights to get a super hot bod?…….uh no, you could develop an illness at any time, be put on meds, that make you balloon in size. Even if you up your running to 2 hours a day, your metabolism is screwed, so nope, your gorgeous curves are now meaty rolls.

ok you get my drift.

So what matters then? New car?…nope, new house?….nope. You see NOTHING outside of you means anything, if you’re not at peace with who and what you are.

YOU MUST FIND HAPPY!

when you’re on your deathbed, what will give you peace?

Because peace and joy with ourselves, is the only “thing” that no one can take, can’t crash on the stock market, loves you rolls and all, and finds immense joy, in that old car you drive. Of course the peanut butter toast goes without saying.

Laughing until your tummy aches, even though your clothes aren’t “on trend” and your hair is looking like a birds nest, is an instant healing elixir for your entire body, even if no one likes your joke!

the absolute Most freeing feeling in the whole world, is

WHEN YOU STOP GIVING A SHIT!

not that you don’t care about anything.  It just doesn’t matter like it used to, causing so much stress you’re struggling to breathe. So, you simply don’t mind.

swopping distress for acceptance and joy, opens up a real world for you. One that matters to you!

So, if you dabble in bitcoin for e.g. for FUN, coz you have some extra boodle, and if you lose it all, it doesn’t matter, because you’re ok with that. But If it matters don’t go there.

we cannot hope to predict anything. Tomorrow doesn’t exist, yesterday is gone and no longer exists, but NOW is alive. Make this moment happy, and relish that peanut butter piece of toast. Yum!

 

 

 

13 reasons

As beautifully suggested by mahbuttitches (god, gotta luv that name), I’m writing my 13 reasons why I haven’t killed myself, and then 13 reasons why I am happy.

13 reasons why I’ve not committed suicide.

1. My children. I couldn’t take my life no matter how rough and raw it got, or gets, as i love them too much to desert them in this way and break their hearts.

2.  I refuse to give the mean bastards out there any sense of satisfaction. Let them stew in me living regardless of how cruel they can be.

3.  Spirituality. I’m deeply immersed in the Truth, and the truth has removed the need to end it all.

4.  It’s doesn’t seem fair to take away the normals judgment. nope. Gotta let them have an opinion even if it’s way off mark.

5.  My love for animals. I adore elephants especially.

6.  Despite being a bit batshit crazy, there are people who really love me. I appreciate them so much.

7.  I love being a mental health advocate. My ability from Grace to help others who suffer, fills me with gratitude.

8.  Gratitude. In learning gratitude, I found a meaning to live.

9.  Shew this is getting tough. I’m running out of reasons, so can’t kill myself, as I have to find more reasons.

10.  Love. Love kills the demon. Every time. Being able to love sincerely brings joy.

11.  I beat 100’000000 sperms in the race to get here! Ok maybe I shoved a few out the way, but I made it!

12.  Babies. They always fill me with joy.

13.  Because I don’t feel like it.

 

im too tired to say why I’m happy, but I truly am, and for so many reasons, it’s exhausting to contemplate listing them. But the number 1 reason, is finding freedom and truth after years of searching. ❤️❤️❤️

Here comes the Hurricane

sheep

 

OK, so I don’t want to sound uncaring and all, but….

WHY is it, that when America, or the U.K. are hit with some kind of natural disaster, it’s headline news, millions come together to give money, aid, rescue, post on Facebook, make videos of the horror and put it on twitter and ad nauseum, raise hundreds of thousands of Dollars, when all over the world, there is mass devastation everywhere? Why don’t we get to hear and see about that or them? Don’t these other people, these other Countries, who are in such a dreadful way, who are not American or European have any worth?

How is it acceptable for America to blow up children and their Mothers in Syria, or Afghanistan, or anywhere else they decide to kill, which causes worse destruction than any hurricane has, kill more people than any hurricane has, and yet those stories are ignored?

Are we to actually believe that it’s perfectly acceptable to wage war purposefully on a Country, like a hurricane wages war on a Country, only, the hurricane is doing the hurricane thing, it’s not personal, but the war being waged, is purposefully thought out and then executed against innocent people? Blowing up someone’s home with people inside it, is no different to the hurricane blowing someones house apart in terms of damage. The real horror, is that, where the execution of a home has been done by man, in the name of greed and fear, the devastation of a hurricane is an act of nature. No one purposely created a hurricane to destroy parts of America, like America purposefully creates wars to destroy parts of other Countries.

How is this acceptable??

Why do we, as sheeple, just accept this? Why are we so conditioned and almost mind controlled, into making a huge fuss about what the hurricanes are doing, but ignore the horror happening everywhere else? How?? Why??

As devastating as the hurricanes are right now, and it is devastating, no one needs to suffer that fear, or loss of life, it’s AS devastating to the citizens of a Country that is being attacked, with the same damage done to them, but purposefully.

Some American and British soldiers have been filmed actually laughing as they shoot innocent people on the ground, of the Country of their choice to pick on. So should we, who are not affected by the hurricanes, go into deep mourning? Should we rally around and give a shit?

No! Not until the rest of this world, gives a shit about what is happening in other Countries, and rallies around getting food supplies and medical care to the injured, and rebuilding bombed homes, or, better still, when the West stops waging war on everyone, perhaps then, it would be fair to care about what any natural disaster is doing in America or in Britain.

There have been huge fires ravaging Portugal this year. Did anyone give a shit? people were killed, lost their homes, their pets their kids, did anyone put it on Fb, rally around, raise funds, put it on twitter, open a funding page?  Not that I saw.

So let the machines rage on….in whatever form they take.  

May the dead all over the World, affected by war, famine, disease, or natural disasters rest in Peace.