The Mind is the Source of Happiness and Unhappiness…Buddha

How do I do this? Seriously, HOW the fuck do I do this?

They’re holding your ‘ceremony’ where they’ll sprinkle your ashes in the forest, and then the dysfunctional shitty lot of them, will all get pissed, be ever so dramatic, talk about wonderful, crazy, exciting, witty, daredevil stunts you did, many of which will be untrue, but they’ll all  agree, nod their heads,  exclaiming ‘exactly!; in tandom, no matter what anyone says about you.

Some will cry and sob, and make it all about them, just so that others can put an arm around their shoulders and whisper, ‘oh don’t cry honey, I know it hurts, but she’s in a better place’, and that’ll make the self pitying, self loving, self obsessed person feel so much better. Of course, it’ll become all about who is the most ‘hurt’…how ‘wrong and unfair’ it is that you took your life. So many questions will be asked amoungst them, stupid questions like ‘WHY? she had such a good life!’ or, ‘WHY didn’t she reach out to ME!’ ‘I would’ve helped her! I could’ve stopped her!’ and their pointless self serving bullshit will go on the entire day.

I hear they’re going to be streaming the ‘ceremony’ they’re holding for you, to all who loved you, so that they can be there in real time, albeit over the net. That’s good. I’m happy. There are many people that truly loved you. Your severe mental illness, wouldn’t allow your mind to acknowledge that though. I get that. It’s not your fault.

So my precious Sister. I’m sorry I won’t be at the ‘big’ ceremony. I cannot partake in a party filled with self serving, egotistical, dysfunctional people. As you know, hell, I’m not that functional myself!

I’m sorry I don’t have the guts to join them.

Please understand that I will, with my own family, go to the place where they hold your ceremony the weekend after. To the woods where they’ll scatter your ashes,  with my statue of Buddha firmly under my arm. Incense in hand, loads of candles, that I hope the wind won’t blow out and incense. Lots of incense.

We’ll sit quietly where your ashes are sprinkled. One of us will sing to you. I’ll light all the candles and put flowers all over Buddha. I’ll put your scarf around Buddha, and we’ll sit in a circle holding hands, then as the Gods hold our hands, we’ll peacefully let you go.

I hurt. I pray you have found the freedom now, to really live in Peace.

Your ever loving Sister. I will miss you forever.





Ode to Desperation


It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die

I pleaded and begged for some Peace.

The Gods they just  laughed at me

From them I’d get no release.

‘What should I do?’ I asked my shattered mind

As I panicked with each desperate breath.

The sun no longer shines anymore

The Sun’s been put to death.

‘I try and I try, but I cannot make sense

Of the Storms and the thunder inside

No place to run, no one can hear me

From my burning mind I can’t hide.




The Colour of NOW!


it had to happen. It’s gone beyond pathetic and ridiculous. Emoticons are P.C. But still racist. If they, the ones that invented them, had not tried so hard to be Politically Correct, they’d have noticed how stupid they really are.

point in fact: the above emoticons range from the colour yellow to a deep black. Now, firstly, no one on the planet is yellow, unless suffering liver failure. So keeping things ‘neutral ‘ yellow works fine for emoticons, as no one could get offended by this colour being chosen for emoticons right? WRONG!

nooo, the smarties decided that the ‘finger and hands ‘ and other body part emoticons had to have a range of colours, because of course we cannot leave people of colour out can we? So for people of colour, you have various shades of brown to choose from, when giving someone the ‘finger’

If you’re from deep dark Africa, there’s a beaut of a dark black hand or, if you feel you’d like to be a shade lighter, there are quite a few shades of brown to choose from. It’s just wonderful how the inventors of emoticons have really ensured that they cannot be accused of racism, because they’ve given all people of colour, a fantastic variety or shade of preferred colour to choose from. WELL DONE to them. Actually….

why don’t we have WHITE emoticons? Yellow is a very fair and neutral colour, so really, who could be offended by not having THEIR colour available to choose from? Well it seems that the clever dudes up in emoticon Ville, decided to cover their asses, just to ensure no one of colour ever accuses them of racism, a word and thought that has taken stupid to a new level. I don’t see any concern here for WHITE people? What about making emoticons that look Japanese? Or Chinese? Eskimo perhaps? Aren’t these cultures deeply wounded that THEIR looks haven’t been included? Get real!

You see, White or Caucasian people, don’t seem offended by their colour not being offered for emoticons, so emoticon ville, felt safe to only ensure people of colour have a choice as to what colour emoticon they’d choose when using them. As I said, STUPID has taken on a new level of absurdity!

To get real, the fact is that we are all PEOPLE. Colour means nothing. If I, as a White woman, (oops hope I’m not offending anyone), needs a kidney transplant, then if someone of colour had my blood type and was a match for me, their kidney could be transplanted into my lily white body without a problem. Oh wait…..can this be right? What if someone of colour needed a kidney from a White person? Would the recipient accept? Or rather wait till it’s too late for a kidney, as no one of colours kidney has been found to be a match? You know, racist rules! Even to the death! ✊🏾Oh hold on…when looking for another hand to add on here, there’s a few gorgeous shades of brown to choose from….let me see…oh I know! I’m White, but will pretend I have a lovely tan sans freckles for my next emoticon. What fun! 👃🏼Ha I chose a tanned nose. How cool, how fair how fucking stupid!

We are human (sometimes) and the constant colour issues are totally ridiculous. I will happily accept a person of colours kidney if I needed one, even if it meant, that I turned a shade darker, which would so be to my advantage!

In emoticon ville. 🤘👍🤞🏽☝🏿👣🙄 actually perhaps in real life too!

have a lovely day…here comes a red heart, coz no one, unless they have only one brain cell can argue the colour of the heart ❤️.


On Moving On…..

Vintage Painting (35)

You’ve found a gorgeous house, that is the perfect size for you. The sun beams through the living room windows which is a great plus, and there are enough bedrooms and bathrooms for your guests.

The kitchen is small, but quaint. It has a rather ‘cottagy’ feel to it in your opinion,which you love. There is no refrigerator in the kitchen, (no probs, landlord said he’d put one in).

You’re so taken with the house! It even has a fishpond outside (which, at the moment, is just green algae covering smelly overflowing water) – but you can picture your beautiful Koi swimming in the cool clear water,once it’s cleared up.  So you’re not deterred. In fact, you decide ‘it’ll be a delightful project to take on!’…(besides, landlord has promised to clean the pond out before you move in, wonderful!)

You notice that the paint is peeling off of the wooden window frames, but in your summation, being a tenant, this would not be for your account to attend to.  After all, you know the landlord will get it sorted.

The gutter at the back of the house (where the what was, once a fishpond lies), is spilling water from the rain down the side of the house, and into the Courtyard (where said fishpond is). This sunny spot is where you’ll be lying in your hammock, great book in hand in the summer.  You’re not concerned about the water flowing from the gutter that seems to be aged, as the landlord will have it taken care of.

There are a few other odds and ends in and around the house that need attention, but you’re not fussed. After all, you are not obliged to pay for, or to repair anything. You are the tenant right? You excitedly envision your future in this perfect little home, and you are already dreamily decorating in your mind, before the first box has arrived!

Oh what fun this is going to be as you visualise your stunning home, once you’ve added your ‘own’ touch. 

You eagerly sign the lease…..and then you move in, very excited and ready to throw your first dinner party for your friends in this gorgeous little ‘gem’ you’ve found.


  • You have not taken photographic evidence of the areas of the home that need repairs. Hence, you have no evidence at the end of your tenancy to prove the existing damage was clearly there when you moved in, and is no fault of yours. TAKE PICS IN DETAIL BEFORE SIGNING ANY LEASE! Then, print them, and ensure the landlord signs each one, dated on the day you move in.
  • You have not read through a rather onerous lease.  Heck, it consists of about 15 pages, and to wade through them all, with sentences containing words you don’t understand, is just plain exhausting!  I mean, you reckon all leases are the same right? Straightforward and simple. Not so! READ THE LEASE THOROUGHLY BEFORE YOU SIGN IT! If there are any paragraphs that apportion you responsible for existing damage, or otherwise unreasonable blame,  discuss these points in a friendly manner with the landlord.  CHANGE what you do not agree with,  and have him/her sign  next to your signature on the lease, where you clearly put lines through any unreasonable responsibility for the house,that has been placed on your shoulders.
  • You have not ensured that your new home is not on the market for Sale, which, if sold, would effectively give you a months notice. MAKE A CLEAR NOTE OF THIS, AND HAVE SAID LANDLORD SIGN IT. You can write this down in your own words, but be precise, grammatically correct, leaving nothing on this subject open ‘to debate’. i.e. PROTECT YOURSELF!
  • You have not checked out the neighbourhood. At first glance, the neighbourhood looks beautiful! With many quaint shops scattered around, cobbled streets, you are sold! However, IS there a food store IN the town where you can shop at? Doctors Surgeries, Pharmacies etc..? What, generally are the people who live there like? Friendly? Speak to one or two shop owners about this, to get an idea of the area you are moving to. One never knows if there is a drug lord next door, who holds loud parties every night, with blaring music, rendering you unable to sleep!
  • Put what kind of neighbours do I have’? on your to-do list. Before signing any lease!
  • you have not checked the handles to the doors both inside and out, as well as ensuring the keys work without sticking, or struggling… Open and close, then lock and unlock every door inside the house. (if there are no locks on some doors, make a note of this, and have landlord sign). Ensure that all door handles and locks are in a good state of repair, before signing the lease!
  • Finally, do a general check on carpets (for existing stains), marks on walls, curtains or blinds provided/or not, and take photographs of everything!
  • oh, get the term ‘general wear and tear’ deciphered for you, to include exactly what landlord will deem as ‘general wear and tear’. E.G. are you supposed to give the house a fresh coat of paint when you vacate? At who’s cost? and so on…
  • Be smart!

Mostly, landlords are kind and co-operative…but…there are landlords from HELL out there, and the tenants always get the raw deal.

So, go now, enjoy your beautiful home, sort everything out, using points I’ve given you, (add some of your own if need be), and please don’t lose the paperwork :)I’m sure you’ll spend many happy years in your fab new home 🙂

confused person