The Mind is the Source of Happiness and Unhappiness…Buddha

How do I do this? Seriously, HOW the fuck do I do this?

They’re holding your ‘ceremony’ where they’ll sprinkle your ashes in the forest, and then the dysfunctional shitty lot of them, will all get pissed, be ever so dramatic, talk about wonderful, crazy, exciting, witty, daredevil stunts you did, many of which will be untrue, but they’ll all  agree, nod their heads,  exclaiming ‘exactly!; in tandom, no matter what anyone says about you.

Some will cry and sob, and make it all about them, just so that others can put an arm around their shoulders and whisper, ‘oh don’t cry honey, I know it hurts, but she’s in a better place’, and that’ll make the self pitying, self loving, self obsessed person feel so much better. Of course, it’ll become all about who is the most ‘hurt’…how ‘wrong and unfair’ it is that you took your life. So many questions will be asked amoungst them, stupid questions like ‘WHY? she had such a good life!’ or, ‘WHY didn’t she reach out to ME!’ ‘I would’ve helped her! I could’ve stopped her!’ and their pointless self serving bullshit will go on the entire day.

I hear they’re going to be streaming the ‘ceremony’ they’re holding for you, to all who loved you, so that they can be there in real time, albeit over the net. That’s good. I’m happy. There are many people that truly loved you. Your severe mental illness, wouldn’t allow your mind to acknowledge that though. I get that. It’s not your fault.

So my precious Sister. I’m sorry I won’t be at the ‘big’ ceremony. I cannot partake in a party filled with self serving, egotistical, dysfunctional people. As you know, hell, I’m not that functional myself!

I’m sorry I don’t have the guts to join them.

Please understand that I will, with my own family, go to the place where they hold your ceremony the weekend after. To the woods where they’ll scatter your ashes,  with my statue of Buddha firmly under my arm. Incense in hand, loads of candles, that I hope the wind won’t blow out and incense. Lots of incense.

We’ll sit quietly where your ashes are sprinkled. One of us will sing to you. I’ll light all the candles and put flowers all over Buddha. I’ll put your scarf around Buddha, and we’ll sit in a circle holding hands, then as the Gods hold our hands, we’ll peacefully let you go.

I hurt. I pray you have found the freedom now, to really live in Peace.

Your ever loving Sister. I will miss you forever.

buddha

 

 

 

Ode to Desperation

desperation

It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die

I pleaded and begged for some Peace.

The Gods they just  laughed at me

From them I’d get no release.

‘What should I do?’ I asked my shattered mind

As I panicked with each desperate breath.

The sun no longer shines anymore

The Sun’s been put to death.

‘I try and I try, but I cannot make sense

Of the Storms and the thunder inside

No place to run, no one can hear me

From my burning mind I can’t hide.

 

 

 

They Shoot Horses don’t they?

grief statue

 

I lost another Sister to mental illness last week. She took her life, after living for years in hell with a mind that was fucked, and refused to function.

YET, she did 12 years research on ‘the mind’ when she was diagnosed, determined to ‘fix’ her mind. but you see, the demon that is mental illness, won. No matter that she built a hugely successful career, is a published writer ( on how to deal with your mind, or actually, more accurately, how to master your mind), which is now used by therapists in their practices,  ironically,  didn’t work.

She was a Master trainer in hypnotherapy, NLP, and so many other things I dont even remember, and she was a true genius. She was an incredible self taught musician, poet, writer, leather maker, artist, singer. Impossible, that someone can be so talented, and yet, never properly educated thanks to an upbringing of poverty be such an amazing high achiever.

But there she was all of it. Still, the demon called mental illness WILL win every time. She even had a doctorate. If you google her name, she is referred to as Dr. Terri Ann Laws.

whaaat? you say? How does someone who is THAT intelligent, talented and entrepreneurial especially about learning everything there is to know, determined and desperate to fix and heal and take control of their broken minds, end up being a victim to this cruel evil condition?

Simple. Mental illness doesn’t give a shit about what colour you are, where you come from, how smart you are, how rich or poor you are, what clothes you wear, how educated you are, how hard you try to defeat it, it seems to laugh at every  positive affirmation you repeat over and over again, believing that these ‘positive affirmations’ will somehow programme your sick mind to be ‘well’. Not possible. A sick mind, stays sick. It’s just the depths that vary.

My heart is shattered obviously. I loved her. She taught me so much. She was funny, charming, witty, clever, had enormous intellect and a sense of humour that was so good it was wicked. This didn’t have to happen, but then I ask myself;

‘Would it have been worth continuing to live in torment, mental hell, for the rest of your life, continuously stuffing up with people, changing personalities, out of your control, forgetting your friends, saying terrible things to people that you don’t even remember saying….and believing shit that doesn’t exist, all the while tormented by the demons in your head’?

‘ Or would it not be better, that you let death take you. Free you from the horror that is more real than anyone will, or can believe, and finally, finally, be at Peace?’

HOW did she manage to accomplish what she did? We could ask the same about Einstein, also apparently insane.

Suicide is completely understandable and actually takes a shit load of courage to actually carry it out successfully. I understand why she took her life. But I cannot let her go. It’s selfish to feel this way, because it’s not a death we should mourn, but rather celebrate a Spirit’s new life. She is gone. Only her shell is left, waiting to be cremated.

Astonishingly, this is a poem from her book called ‘Help! I’m going crazy! which she wrote many many years ago, when convinced she was conquering the demons in her head, and would beat them.  What made her write this poem,  is simply alarming to me; It seems there’s always truth in what we project, even if we’re doing it poetically.

help im going crazy

Terri (1)

Fly free little bird. May the demons no longer haunt you.

I miss you deeply.

In loving memory of Dr. Terri Ann Laws,

another victim to the disease we call ‘mental illness’.

 

 

War Children

images (1)

So there I was, riding on the train, minding my own business,  whenI looked up at the posters they display on trains, from the latest mobile phones, to clothing brands, when an advertisement caught my eye, and startled me; Frightened me, and If I had magic powers, a few ‘important’ people, would be sucking shit from a camels ass for food right now.

The poster of a terrified little girl, behind her, bombs exploding, she’s filthy (obviously), the town they’ve pictured her in, is all but rubble, and she’s alone, made my heart do a hundred somersaults.

child of war

Then, what really put the cherry on the top of this horrific sight, was the advertisement line from the government asking the public for money to ‘help children in war torn Countries’!? huh? Yes, read it again….

So it goes like this; The USA and the UK, launch attacks on various Countries, in the name of greed.  For oil, for poppy seeds, gold and minerals of all kinds. Knowing that these Countries are helpless to fight back, they bomb the shit out of all the cities, not caring that there are  Mothers, pregnant woman, woman giving birth, crippled people, blind people, but mostly small innocent Children, who, whilst playing outside, are hustled quickly into their homes, by terrified Mothers, hearing the jets flying overhead,  and then, in horror see their neighbours houses get blown apart by  missiles.

The noise is deafening, and the Children scream in terror. They don’t yet realise that the friends who lived next door, are blown to pieces, arms and legs scattered around the rubble, but they see that their friends’ home is no more.

They huddle into their Mothers laps, scared stiff by what is happening, not understanding any of it. The noise, the screams, the sirens, and the mayhem promises to destroy these small Children’s lives forever. Those that survive that is.

So let’s see. The Governments of the strong Countries, slaughter the smaller Countries, in the name of greed. Children are left homeless, orphaned, traumatized out of their minds, petrified, at the hands of the offending Governments leaders – and then we, the public, who are totally against any kind of war, knowing it’s all bullshit, lies, smoke and mirrors, are asked to help donate money for these broken, homeless, orphaned, destroyed Children. and of course, we do. We, unlike the unruly indifferent powers that be, care. and boy, do those dipshits bank on our consciences. I mean we didn’t sign up, we didn’t fire a gun, we didn’t knife anyone, we just got on a train to go to a job, so that we can pay for a roof over our head, and BAM! we’re hit the horror of small children in pictures, begging for ‘the killing to stop’.

‘Why?‘ I ask myself. ‘Why is it, that the USA, the UK can joyfully bomb the crap out of anyone they please, but then THEY, the offending parties, do nothing to help the innocent that they’ve destroyed? Why is there not a WAR charity, set up by the very Governments who perpetrate these attacks, to give all the necessary aid to those who they’ve left in their wake of death and destruction,  crawling with legs blown off, little ones screaming for their parents, and those in hospital, who were already fighting for their lives, long having lost the fight. The hospitals are destroyed?

But hey people I forgot!…. there’s profit to be made in war! So, as the fat shit who sits in Office, drinking a swig or two of whiskey, the most expensive kind in the World, puffing on a Havana cigar, because ‘we’ve just won a victory folks! we secured the oil supply from Iran! Problem over!;  – leaving a Country behind filled with broken, shattered, panic stricken people, who have been thrown into a hell they could never have imagined existed. For what? Greed and hatred, he/she and their cohorts, are laughing loudly with a feeling of ‘Victory’, for murdering innocent people. The sickest part of this is, that they don’t even have the courage to carry out these cowardly acts themselves. Instead, they recruit men and women, who live in poor areas, promising them a ‘good career’…(I guess they don’t mention the fact that the ‘good career’ entails killing innocent people, including Children).

Then there’s a man whose family has been killed in one of the senseless attacks on his County and he’s just lost his entire family due to some Western Country blowing them apart, – maybe they were walking too close to the new oil line that is now being installed…?He’s angry and he’s hurting. What can he do to exact revenge for the family he’s lost? He has nothing left to lose, so he gets into a van, and drives innocent Western people over, kills them, then shoots more, until he’s shot dead. Do you think he cares that he knew he’d die? Of course not! He’s got nothing left, not even a home.

The Westerners are appalled at this man’s ‘cowardly’ act, and the media are fed to announce that it’s ‘radicalists, Islamists, terrorists’…doing this. WHO is the real terrorist here?

Now that’s interesting….What was their Country doing, when their soldiers blew the innocent people, who posed no threat to anyone, apart? Who is the bigger coward? and to add insult to injury, the Western countries, who perpetrate these heinous crimes, don’t have any integrity anyway, but they also don’t even have the morality of setting up a fund PAID FOR BY THE GOVERNMENTS WHO PERPETRATE THESE CRIMES for the victims.

This doesn’t make the man who kills people in anger, right. It only sheds light on why he’s doing what he’s doing. And then there are decent citizens of these very same Western Countries, who try and do whatever they can, to stop the madness. In vain sadly.

taxes killing children

What really pisses me off and upsets me no end, is that nothing is different. It’s just abuse and cruelty out in the open. Like 100 years ago, the Colonialists slaughtered, tortured and maimed thousands of African Slaves. They got away with it, and they believed that they were doing what was ‘right’ (in their sick minds). and they used ‘the Bible’ as their excuse! These sicko’s actually went to church every Sunday, holding their pointy noses in the air, singing songs to a God they knew nothing about, but felt very pious about praying to. Then went home to beat the child slave who hadn’t picked enough cotton.

Do you believe the cruelty and violence will ever end?

Even the beautiful, innocent animals are attacked and hunted brutally, to extinction, in the name of money. The Western Man is very clever here. He uses the poor underdog to arrange the poaching of certain animals, so that he can make a fortune from Ivory if that be his choice. The underdog’s family is starving, so he sets the operation up, because the cries of his starving children, drives him to do what the White man tells him to do. For a few measly pence.

Call me a pessimist, but I believe I’m a realist. All the ‘Hollywood’ actors, who show their faces ensuring the press capture their every moment when they visit a poor Country somewhere in Africa, where people are starving, showing them handing out scraps and smiling, whilst forgetting they’re still wearing their Chanel earrings, are an insult to injury. They are nothing more than people who are ego-maniacs.

and not to go on about this, but it’s an issue close to my heart, because I come from Africa, I’ve lived with these people and I know their culture and their thinking, and ANYONE who promises them just £1.00, can make them do anything. Their over-whelming joy and gratitude for a piece of bread, brings tears to my eyes. Who the fuck are these wealthy people, who token adopt these broken Children anyway? What about the others who don’t get adopted??

madonna

Do you know, that one ‘star’ (don’t know why they’re called stars, stars are beautiful and don’t call for attention), but anyhow, there’s one ‘star’, who has actually started a campaign amoungst largely uneducated African Children, with the slogan’

Together this generation will put an end to AIDS!.

‘say whhhhaaat?? (no I’m not kidding, and these poor, poverty stricken people believe in this lie. Of course it makes the ‘star’ look ever so important and Godlike. So I guess overnight, whilst studying her lines for her next movie, she’s also undertaking research on how to end AIDS? Holy shit.

Will it end? NO.

So is there anything you can do, we can do?. NO.

UNLESS WE REFUSE TO ENGAGE IN WAR!

Aah we like to believe we’re ‘helping’, when we donate £2.00 to Unicef or some other such organisation, but we’re only doing that to make ourselves ease a conscience we shouldn’t even have to ease. We didn’t start the fire, our ancestors did, and now it’s the current, corrupt, nauseating powers that be have,  due to their vile ego driven self righteousness, greed and hatred, that keep the fires burning, ever hotter.

But I believe in the power of love.

No matter who is killing who, if every single person refused to fight, it would stop.

If every single person stopped harping on about how ‘unfair’ it was to their people 200 years ago, and instead just adopted love, and concentrated on the NOW, they’d wake up to TODAY’S reality. War doesn’t care about colour, age, creed. It’s now also blamed on Religion, like it has been for eons, but that’s just a smoke screen for the real reason.

If every single person, when seeing an elderly lady or gentleman waiting to cross the street, walked up to her and helped her or him.

If every single person, who heard their neighbours baby crying all night, took the trouble to knock on their door and check it out, for the sake of the child, who could be being abused.

If every single person, stopped worrying about how badly WE have it, and rather showered love on others, and held gratitude for what we do have, then, like one candle in the dark, a million can be lit.

It’s simple.

DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY WAR FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER! I

It’s a lie that’s been sold to people who feel they should ‘protect’ their Countries, when really, the real threat lies within their own Countries Borders. sitting in plush offices drinking expensive whiskey, puffing on Havana cigars, while telling rude jokes.

 

 

 

 

 

Live and let Die.

2 days ago, my beloved Sister finally passed away, after battling to survive cancer for 2 years. She was 61 years of age, and before they found cancer in her breast, which signaled the beginning of the end, she was fit, healthy and strong. I loved her with all of my Being, but never got to her before she passed.

She had dedicated her entire life to ‘The Lord’. She worshiped a God that she had unwavering faith and trust in, and whom she loved with her heart and Soul. She used to go into the areas where people who are displaced lived in poverty, and make jams for them, not being able to give them money, as part of her belief, following the Bible’s talk, was to live ‘simply’. Like there was some glory in serving ‘God’ in poverty.

She dressed so modestly, she never ever even wore a pair of jeans. Only skirts or dresses. You get the picture. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body. She never gossiped about anyone, always tried to help whomever needed help, loved everyone, no matter where they came from, and loved life. She had 5 loving kids, who all adore her, and she was an incredibly loving Mother and Grandmother.

She desperately didn’t want to die. She kept crying ‘please Jesus, make this stop’, as the pain, despite the morphine, cannabis and every other concoction she could take, including chemo over and over again,  (after living a totally drug and alcohol free life, also never even smoked) – yet the cancer invaded her lungs, making her unable to breathe without an oxygen machine 24/7, but no ‘person’, no one, ever made it stop. She lived in unutterable agony, to her very last breath, always believing that she’d ‘beat it’, because, ‘God is good’, she’d text.

When she had the strength, she sent positive messages to the hundreds who loved her, saying ‘God is good. God will heal me’.  She clung onto life to her last breath, and died in a most horrific way. Her liver closed down overnight, and the next day, she was unable to speak, guttural sounds came from her throat, and her family were helpless, but to wait and watch until she breathed her last breath out in agony.

Then, I have a friend whose mentally ill. She’s been trying to commit suicide for years, to no avail. It’s not funny, but almost become a joke, as she tells me of her latest ‘plan’ to exit, finding the fact that every attempt she makes fails dismally, funny.

I just listen, respecting that it’s her life and that she’s batshit crazy, but in a kind, loving way, not mean, and that’s all I do. I respect her choices, because i have to, and I should. I believe we must respect others wishes. Besides, living with a severe mental illness, carries it’s own awful pain, which is why so many people who suffer with mental illness do, in fact manage to commit suicide. They are not selfish, they just want the ongoing pain to end. I can absolutely relate to, and understand this.

Point is this..she worships nothing. She eats whatever she likes, she smokes, she drinks when she wants a glass of wine or 2 (she’s not an alcoholic), she drinks it. She’s taken every psychedelic drug we know of, she’s tripped out of her tree on drugs, she’s tried to overdose 3 times, but never died, only ending up in I.C.U., she’s cut the crap out of her wrists, trying to die that way, it didn’t work, she’s jumped in front of buses, who’ve somehow managed to not drive her over, she’s jumped out of windows, only to end up with a broken leg and arm…and she’s never done any exercise, and so many other attempts, I won’t even mention them. She even bought a book on ‘how to end it’, or it’s called ‘how to exit’ or something like that. All the while, she laughs at how nothing will kill her, yet behind that laugh, is not a desperate wish to live, it’s a desperate wish to die.

So her latest ‘plan’ she tells me, is to wait for winter to hit the U.K. then she’ll go into the snow, get drunk and let hypothermia take her. Apparently you just fall asleep and that’s it. ( I’m not doling out suicide tips, I’m telling you an honest story).

Anyhow, I just responded, that it would be seriously sad, if someone found her before she died, and her brain had gotten damaged, and once again, she’d have alluded death, but could be in a kind of brain damaged state. That was just a thought of mine which I shared with her.

So you tell me…

What is life, and HOW or IS there some kind of good, right way to live it?

I totally think NOT! If I look at the contrast of these two Beings, which is a massive contrast, a few things are plain as can be to me;

It makes no difference what you eat, drink, smoke, do or don’t do while you’re alive, as long as whatever you partake in, doesn’t make you feel sick. Because that’s plain nasty, and then you suffer. No, we don’t do suffering I believe.

I believe that while we’re alive, we should truly LIVE, not just exist, because death is coming for all of us, but we definitely do NOT have a choice as to when it’ll take us. Some people who don’t want to die, trip on a pavement, bash their heads on the sidewalk and die of an aneurysm. There simply is not any ‘right’ way to live, to prolong your life, or make you ‘healthy’ ad nauseum…

To cling to life, is to lose it. We can always have hope, and if believing in an outside God is comforting for the believer, then that’s wonderful, but I personally do not believe in an ‘out there’ God, like some object. How can we, as mere humans ever understand, with our limited thinking,  what the bigger picture is?

The Native American Indians believe that we are all connected in Spirit, as a life force, to one another. That includes the animals, the trees, the water and the rocks. Everything on our planet is connected. To me, that makes more sense, in my limited human way of thinking.

In my search for meaning, when first diagnosed with mental illness/s, I found a Guru. Ok, many people find just that word weird, bullshit even. But here’s the thing…

Learning about the Eastern beliefs (not religions), and how they perceive life to be, which is largely the same as most indigenous people World over; set me free to discover WHO I am. Meaning, I’m not this human person, and neither is anyone else. I’m consciousness, or Spirit if you like, having a human experience. The Christians believe in the Soul that never dies, well so do the Eastern and Indigenous people. They just see it in a different way. The premise is the same, but the perception totally different. Excepting the worshiping an object we call ‘God’.

To me, it ‘fits’, that we ought to live our lives that we’ve chosen to live here, to the absolute max. To enjoy the Planet – or what’s left of it – to the max. To celebrate life, and yet, be patient in an absolute knowing that death will come for this body we inhabit, when it wants to! That’s ok, if you’re not begging and pleading and clinging to life, for some outside God to ‘help’ you. In fact, it’s better to just surrender to death, as best as you can, when it comes knocking; because if it’s your time, that’s it. You do not have a say in the matter. Ever.

I believe we return to Consciousness as the Spirit Beings we are when the body dies, and hopefully, we’ve made the best of our earthly life. For there is much joy and beauty here on Earth, we have to go and grab it, without excuses.

Love and care for your Children as best as you can, because the love you show and give freely allows them to LIVE. Love others as best as you can, if they’re not toxic to you. If they are, walk quietly away, and don’t engage in argument, because all argument does, is waste your precious time fighting with people. Every moment you fight with someone, you’ve killed a good moment in a horrible way. Mostly, go and live your life to the full. Do whatever your Spirit calls you to do, as long as you don’t harm others. If you feel a call to go to the Himalayas, go! Stop finding ‘reasons’ why you ‘can’t’, and find every reason why you ‘can’ and WILL.

The money I almost spent on flying out to see my dying Sister, which I was too late to do, I’ve rather spent on LIFE. I’ve just bought 2 tickets to Spain with my family, to spend 5 days in a house on the beach. No matter the ‘cost’ in terms of money, I do not give a stuff. I care about being with my precious children – and Grandchild – and having 5 glorious days of love, laughter and drinking in the beauty of the place we are going to. I will LIVE, whilst I am alive.

To demonstrate further on what I firmly believe in, and to which I’ve explained to you, please enjoy this awesome TEDX talk by a brain scientist who studied herself having a stroke. She woke up to Nirvana, the Truth, and one cannot argue with what she found. At least, I cannot and do not.