The Mind is the Source of Happiness and Unhappiness…Buddha

How do I do this? Seriously, HOW the fuck do I do this?

They’re holding your ‘ceremony’ where they’ll sprinkle your ashes in the forest, and then the dysfunctional shitty lot of them, will all get pissed, be ever so dramatic, talk about wonderful, crazy, exciting, witty, daredevil stunts you did, many of which will be untrue, but they’ll all  agree, nod their heads,  exclaiming ‘exactly!; in tandom, no matter what anyone says about you.

Some will cry and sob, and make it all about them, just so that others can put an arm around their shoulders and whisper, ‘oh don’t cry honey, I know it hurts, but she’s in a better place’, and that’ll make the self pitying, self loving, self obsessed person feel so much better. Of course, it’ll become all about who is the most ‘hurt’…how ‘wrong and unfair’ it is that you took your life. So many questions will be asked amoungst them, stupid questions like ‘WHY? she had such a good life!’ or, ‘WHY didn’t she reach out to ME!’ ‘I would’ve helped her! I could’ve stopped her!’ and their pointless self serving bullshit will go on the entire day.

I hear they’re going to be streaming the ‘ceremony’ they’re holding for you, to all who loved you, so that they can be there in real time, albeit over the net. That’s good. I’m happy. There are many people that truly loved you. Your severe mental illness, wouldn’t allow your mind to acknowledge that though. I get that. It’s not your fault.

So my precious Sister. I’m sorry I won’t be at the ‘big’ ceremony. I cannot partake in a party filled with self serving, egotistical, dysfunctional people. As you know, hell, I’m not that functional myself!

I’m sorry I don’t have the guts to join them.

Please understand that I will, with my own family, go to the place where they hold your ceremony the weekend after. To the woods where they’ll scatter your ashes,  with my statue of Buddha firmly under my arm. Incense in hand, loads of candles, that I hope the wind won’t blow out and incense. Lots of incense.

We’ll sit quietly where your ashes are sprinkled. One of us will sing to you. I’ll light all the candles and put flowers all over Buddha. I’ll put your scarf around Buddha, and we’ll sit in a circle holding hands, then as the Gods hold our hands, we’ll peacefully let you go.

I hurt. I pray you have found the freedom now, to really live in Peace.

Your ever loving Sister. I will miss you forever.

buddha

 

 

 

Ode to Desperation

desperation

It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die

I pleaded and begged for some Peace.

The Gods they just  laughed at me

From them I’d get no release.

‘What should I do?’ I asked my shattered mind

As I panicked with each desperate breath.

The sun no longer shines anymore

The Sun’s been put to death.

‘I try and I try, but I cannot make sense

Of the Storms and the thunder inside

No place to run, no one can hear me

From my burning mind I can’t hide.

 

 

 

They Shoot Horses don’t they?

grief statue

 

I lost another Sister to mental illness last week. She took her life, after living for years in hell with a mind that was fucked, and refused to function.

YET, she did 12 years research on ‘the mind’ when she was diagnosed, determined to ‘fix’ her mind. but you see, the demon that is mental illness, won. No matter that she built a hugely successful career, is a published writer ( on how to deal with your mind, or actually, more accurately, how to master your mind), which is now used by therapists in their practices,  ironically,  didn’t work.

She was a Master trainer in hypnotherapy, NLP, and so many other things I dont even remember, and she was a true genius. She was an incredible self taught musician, poet, writer, leather maker, artist, singer. Impossible, that someone can be so talented, and yet, never properly educated thanks to an upbringing of poverty be such an amazing high achiever.

But there she was all of it. Still, the demon called mental illness WILL win every time. She even had a doctorate. If you google her name, she is referred to as Dr. Terri Ann Laws.

whaaat? you say? How does someone who is THAT intelligent, talented and entrepreneurial especially about learning everything there is to know, determined and desperate to fix and heal and take control of their broken minds, end up being a victim to this cruel evil condition?

Simple. Mental illness doesn’t give a shit about what colour you are, where you come from, how smart you are, how rich or poor you are, what clothes you wear, how educated you are, how hard you try to defeat it, it seems to laugh at every  positive affirmation you repeat over and over again, believing that these ‘positive affirmations’ will somehow programme your sick mind to be ‘well’. Not possible. A sick mind, stays sick. It’s just the depths that vary.

My heart is shattered obviously. I loved her. She taught me so much. She was funny, charming, witty, clever, had enormous intellect and a sense of humour that was so good it was wicked. This didn’t have to happen, but then I ask myself;

‘Would it have been worth continuing to live in torment, mental hell, for the rest of your life, continuously stuffing up with people, changing personalities, out of your control, forgetting your friends, saying terrible things to people that you don’t even remember saying….and believing shit that doesn’t exist, all the while tormented by the demons in your head’?

‘ Or would it not be better, that you let death take you. Free you from the horror that is more real than anyone will, or can believe, and finally, finally, be at Peace?’

HOW did she manage to accomplish what she did? We could ask the same about Einstein, also apparently insane.

Suicide is completely understandable and actually takes a shit load of courage to actually carry it out successfully. I understand why she took her life. But I cannot let her go. It’s selfish to feel this way, because it’s not a death we should mourn, but rather celebrate a Spirit’s new life. She is gone. Only her shell is left, waiting to be cremated.

Astonishingly, this is a poem from her book called ‘Help! I’m going crazy! which she wrote many many years ago, when convinced she was conquering the demons in her head, and would beat them.  What made her write this poem,  is simply alarming to me; It seems there’s always truth in what we project, even if we’re doing it poetically.

help im going crazy

Terri (1)

Fly free little bird. May the demons no longer haunt you.

I miss you deeply.

In loving memory of Dr. Terri Ann Laws,

another victim to the disease we call ‘mental illness’.

 

 

A HEADS UP!

So, I haven’t written in such a long time, but life has been happening. Sorry for not having read your blogs for a while.

This recently came to my attention, and LADIES, I feel I need to warn you!

when googling myself, you know, to check what was out there, regarding me, I came upon hundreds of my profile photos that I’d innocently uploaded over the years onto Facebook.

I know diddly squat about how this works, so began a painstaking process of removing all of my images from google. It’s one hell of a process, which im still to check if they’re removed.

However, I then happened upon one of my pictures of me, that a woman who wrote she hailed from Texas, using MY face and name as HERS! Who went on to claim all sorts of crap about herself (me) and this doesn’t serve to make me all proud and vain …like (ooo look, someone wants my face!) noooo, I was scared shitless and reported it immediately to google, who I pray has removed it. And her, (me) whoever she or he is.

Then, it gets worse. We innocently post our favourite profile pics of ourselves on Facebook, and guess what’s happening to your pic if “they” like it?

Well, it’s taken from your profile, and is then used in porno mags, putting YOUR face, photoshopped onto a naked woman’s body, legs wide open, with God knows what else on or who’s with (you, ) perhaps some animals like donkeys or something, clearly looking exactly like it’s you doing the porn thing. No way to tell the difference, and no way to defend yourself. This, my friends, is now presumed by everyone who purchases porn mags, to be YOUR body, and YOU, like getting cozy with whatever they wanna do with your pics.!!

so please do yourself a favour. Google your name, on google obviously, and have a look at the amount of info that’s out there, using your name and face. Then, go through the long annoying process of removing all images of yourself off of Google.

Then you might want to use a plant, shell, animal, whatever, as every picture you put on fb or even blogging sites as you.

Protect yourselves! There are seriously creepy, bad people out there, and I certainly never even thought about this happening.

The same goes for people, who try befriend you on fb. DONT accept anyone, unless you personally know them. False pictures and names are used to get into your account, and the hell begins. It’s just another form of hacking. In such an evil sinister way.

wheres my cave!? Oh that’s right, I found it, and will be forever more a beautiful plant.

Here comes the Hurricane

sheep

 

OK, so I don’t want to sound uncaring and all, but….

WHY is it, that when America, or the U.K. are hit with some kind of natural disaster, it’s headline news, millions come together to give money, aid, rescue, post on Facebook, make videos of the horror and put it on twitter and ad nauseum, raise hundreds of thousands of Dollars, when all over the world, there is mass devastation everywhere? Why don’t we get to hear and see about that or them? Don’t these other people, these other Countries, who are in such a dreadful way, who are not American or European have any worth?

How is it acceptable for America to blow up children and their Mothers in Syria, or Afghanistan, or anywhere else they decide to kill, which causes worse destruction than any hurricane has, kill more people than any hurricane has, and yet those stories are ignored?

Are we to actually believe that it’s perfectly acceptable to wage war purposefully on a Country, like a hurricane wages war on a Country, only, the hurricane is doing the hurricane thing, it’s not personal, but the war being waged, is purposefully thought out and then executed against innocent people? Blowing up someone’s home with people inside it, is no different to the hurricane blowing someones house apart in terms of damage. The real horror, is that, where the execution of a home has been done by man, in the name of greed and fear, the devastation of a hurricane is an act of nature. No one purposely created a hurricane to destroy parts of America, like America purposefully creates wars to destroy parts of other Countries.

How is this acceptable??

Why do we, as sheeple, just accept this? Why are we so conditioned and almost mind controlled, into making a huge fuss about what the hurricanes are doing, but ignore the horror happening everywhere else? How?? Why??

As devastating as the hurricanes are right now, and it is devastating, no one needs to suffer that fear, or loss of life, it’s AS devastating to the citizens of a Country that is being attacked, with the same damage done to them, but purposefully.

Some American and British soldiers have been filmed actually laughing as they shoot innocent people on the ground, of the Country of their choice to pick on. So should we, who are not affected by the hurricanes, go into deep mourning? Should we rally around and give a shit?

No! Not until the rest of this world, gives a shit about what is happening in other Countries, and rallies around getting food supplies and medical care to the injured, and rebuilding bombed homes, or, better still, when the West stops waging war on everyone, perhaps then, it would be fair to care about what any natural disaster is doing in America or in Britain.

There have been huge fires ravaging Portugal this year. Did anyone give a shit? people were killed, lost their homes, their pets their kids, did anyone put it on Fb, rally around, raise funds, put it on twitter, open a funding page?  Not that I saw.

So let the machines rage on….in whatever form they take.  

May the dead all over the World, affected by war, famine, disease, or natural disasters rest in Peace.