The Mind is the Source of Happiness and Unhappiness…Buddha

How do I do this? Seriously, HOW the fuck do I do this?

They’re holding your ‘ceremony’ where they’ll sprinkle your ashes in the forest, and then the dysfunctional shitty lot of them, will all get pissed, be ever so dramatic, talk about wonderful, crazy, exciting, witty, daredevil stunts you did, many of which will be untrue, but they’ll all  agree, nod their heads,  exclaiming ‘exactly!; in tandom, no matter what anyone says about you.

Some will cry and sob, and make it all about them, just so that others can put an arm around their shoulders and whisper, ‘oh don’t cry honey, I know it hurts, but she’s in a better place’, and that’ll make the self pitying, self loving, self obsessed person feel so much better. Of course, it’ll become all about who is the most ‘hurt’…how ‘wrong and unfair’ it is that you took your life. So many questions will be asked amoungst them, stupid questions like ‘WHY? she had such a good life!’ or, ‘WHY didn’t she reach out to ME!’ ‘I would’ve helped her! I could’ve stopped her!’ and their pointless self serving bullshit will go on the entire day.

I hear they’re going to be streaming the ‘ceremony’ they’re holding for you, to all who loved you, so that they can be there in real time, albeit over the net. That’s good. I’m happy. There are many people that truly loved you. Your severe mental illness, wouldn’t allow your mind to acknowledge that though. I get that. It’s not your fault.

So my precious Sister. I’m sorry I won’t be at the ‘big’ ceremony. I cannot partake in a party filled with self serving, egotistical, dysfunctional people. As you know, hell, I’m not that functional myself!

I’m sorry I don’t have the guts to join them.

Please understand that I will, with my own family, go to the place where they hold your ceremony the weekend after. To the woods where they’ll scatter your ashes,  with my statue of Buddha firmly under my arm. Incense in hand, loads of candles, that I hope the wind won’t blow out and incense. Lots of incense.

We’ll sit quietly where your ashes are sprinkled. One of us will sing to you. I’ll light all the candles and put flowers all over Buddha. I’ll put your scarf around Buddha, and we’ll sit in a circle holding hands, then as the Gods hold our hands, we’ll peacefully let you go.

I hurt. I pray you have found the freedom now, to really live in Peace.

Your ever loving Sister. I will miss you forever.





Breasts don’t maketh the woman!

Hi Folks

……..There I was, drinking a cup of tea. My Daughter was calling me on Skype to my delight, as she lives in Spain, so any chance I get to chat with her and see her gorgeous face, is a bonus! She looked shocked though, blurting out ‘Mom, your sister has just had a mastectomy and has cancer’!

I said ‘whhhhaat?’ (now, I had no idea, as my sister lives in a different Country as well, and it’s difficult to communicate, but one of her daughters had contacted my Daughter to let me know)…..

My head started reeling. How can this happen? ‘She’s so healthy!’ was all I could think of. Never drank or smoked a day in her life. Lives on a farm, does physical labour, so she’s fit, and so none of this makes sense. I started to cry. Then, I wondered what it looked like. I wondered whether a womans femininity goes if she loses her breasts, but then I saw this picture, and the beauty of it made me cry again.

breast cancer 1

I’d never taken breast cancer, or any kind of cancer seriously. It was always one of those ‘illnesses’ that I didn’t think about. Probably because I have mental illness, I’ve always thought that the media make a very big deal about cancer, but not much about mental illness.

This is not the right approach though. ALL illnesses, no matter what they are, should be looked at seriously, and those afflicted, cared for.

Breast cancer is not hereditary, but it can and does strike quickly.

Please ladies, AND men, examine your breasts regularly, as it’s so important. You could save your life, just by doing this simple exercise.

My Sister still has drains in her chest, she starts chemo next week, as the cancer is in her lymph nodes, and as for the rest, we just pray and take nothing for granted.


With or without breasts, you are beautiful!

With love



Love one another as I have loved you – Jesus

Hi Folks

It’s been ages since my last post, and that’s because I’ve been gripped in the ugly claws of the mindless hell called ‘depression’.

Now I know I should be blogging about all the beautiful goods that I sell from all over the world. Goods for the home that I travel to find. I travel far and wide to find goods that I can purchase from the poorest of the poor, who are trying to support their families and who live in abject poverty, and since my mind is a chaos of depression, sadness and then extreme happiness, I somehow feel I understand these people. So buying goods from the ‘have’s’ is not going to happen with me.

I should be promoting what I sell, I should be hard selling, or soft selling. I should be twittering, or tweeting, or whatever it’s called and learning about how to do this stuff, but when in the grips of mental illness, you simply cannot. So, today, instead of selling my beautiful home decor goods to you, I’m going to simply give you the website and hope you take a look, whilst I concentrate on something that is occupying my space right now.

I’m going to talk about this illness that has such a stigma attached to it, that you’d think if you have a mental illness and you looked at children, you’d make them cry!

Mental illness takes the form of the ‘silent illnesses’, such as heart disease, cancer, diabetes etc. They slowly eat at you, and others cannot see them. If you are mentally ill, you could be depressed, bipolar (more serious), have borderline disorder, schizophrenia, and the list goes on. You are judged, ridiculed, you lose friends and family, as people don’t like the crazy, not wanting to understand it. There is still very little education out there on mental illness.

I have literally been in bed for the past month (yes I’m opening my heart to you, because I want your understanding on mental illness, not your pity), and I’ve laid in the foetus position, willing life to leave me. I’ve called a friend I know and love who is so sweet and kind, who keeps me grounded, who, I don’t know if she’ll ever know what she does for me, and that’s about it. When my children phone, I have to just say ‘I’m fine’, because not even they, my grown kids, ‘get it’, and I don’t blame them, I just feel deeply sad and angry that I have this affliction.

Many well meaning people say ‘go for a walk’, or ‘join the gym’. Ha! that’s the last thing we can do, and if we do manage to do that, it will be short lived.

Please my friends, try and understand the crazy. It is real. it’s not a facade to get out of things. It kills from inside, it hurts so badly, that sometimes you wish you were dead. Don’t walk away from a mentally ill person, for whatever they do, they can’t help it. Please educate yourself first. If you really can’t stand how they behave, well, the decision is ultimately yours of course.

In spite of my severe mental illnesses, I continue to help the poor, as I have an affinity with them. I don’t understand it, but when I buy their hard worked on goods, I feel a sense of happiness.

I guess the bottom line is – Love one another, as I have loved you – Jesus.

Till next time


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I refuse to be sad for the rest of my life.

Hi Folks,

I’m working on painting and shabby chic ing (word?)  a dresser, as this is what the market demands. Painted wood done in fabulous colours, made to look fashionably old. I haven’t been able to touch this side of my business for about a week due to a depression I’ve been in, and when that happens, everything falls by the wayside.

House goes to pot, food doesn’t get cooked,  nothing happens, and I stay in bed. Of course I check my emails, as I assist a primary school in South Africa, so sales are very important, thus leaving me very little room for just ME. It’s very strange, but the one thing I won’t let down is this poverty stricken school. I can only keep trying, and this brings me to my next point. Oh wait, before next point, I couldn’t even care whether I make money or not. It just doesn’t matter at that moment or over the time it takes to come out of it.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and made a huge decision. I am going to go into therapy because I refuse to be sad for the rest of my life.  I’ve spent my entire life, holding on by a thread, running and believing that if I help others, my own pain will lessen, and it does, but when I’m not helping, the pain of the abuse I’ve suffered comes back and punches me in the gut, puts me in bed, rendering me incapable to do anything but cry. No matter how many fleeting moments of spontaneous happiness might happen, the dreaded thought of the sadness lurking in the shadows is ever present.

I was afraid of going to therapy, as I thought it would just open up the coffin again, make my intense sadness worse, and I’ve seen the skeleton too many times, but it’s actually not like that. I will now face the demons that have haunted me my entire life, take them head on, and work through them, so that I too, can be happy.

I don’t expect to never be unhappy, but reasonably happy would be fair and it’s not too much to ask I don’t think.

People commit suicide because they cannot find ‘happy’. It’s as if the happiness fairy has jumped off their shoulder and flown away and never comes back! The thought of constant sadness is so awful, it has felt better to me to be dead than alive, and I don’t mean to hurt anyones’ feelings when I say this, I’m being honest.

Living in a state of severe sadness destroys everything. Not even the promise of a holiday to the Bahamas in a 5 star hotel will shift the misery, such is its extent. It reaches out and cuts you off at the knees.

So my dear friends, if you have been afraid of therapy, don’t be. Ask yourself ‘how much worse can this get?’. The help is there, take it.

I know that things are going to get much worse before they get better, but I believe I’m strong enough to do this, and I truly refuse to be constantly sad for the rest of my life.!

Much love

Deborah x

sad face

Love Yourself – you are worth it!

Hi Folks,

Having any kind of mental illness makes you vulnerable. Sometimes more vulnerable than you even realise. Let’s take a scenario;

You’re a Mom or Dad, and you suffer with a mental illness, let’s say bipolar. Everyday you have to fetch your children from school. You don’t really enjoy this, as it means socializing with the other parents, who talk about stuff that you are;

a) not interested in; or b) just don’t get, depending on your mood. Your could be on a manic, and find yourself jabbering away, which, upon reflection, when your manic is over, you feel deeply embarrassed about, but can’t take what you’ve said back, and you’re convinced the parents think you are mad.

Or, you are depressed, but still have to make the school run, and really, really, don’t want to do this, but you have to. You find you have absolutely nothing to say to the parents who’s moods are always steady, and wish they’d go away, and this is when you wish and pray that you were normal, just like them.

As you sit in your car watching them laughing and having fun, talking about nothing really important, but happy nonetheless, you start resenting the fact that you are mentally ill. You ask yourself ‘Why can’t I be normal?’, ‘I hate being like this, it would be easier to die’…….

But don’t lose hope, because I’m here to tell you, that you are a perfectly fine person. Everybody wears a mask. Those people at the school gates, laughing and smiling, well, most of them are putting on a show. There’s Suzie, who’s Husband is having an affair, and then there’s Jackie, who is slowly going bankrupt, and Jane, who is about to go through a divorce.

You don’t know this, but you can rest in the knowing that your supportive partner, is taking good care of you, and you are not going through any of this. Yes, you may be mentally ill, but its a small price to pay compared to what others are going through.

Here’s some advice for you. Try and relax in a bath every night with candles, reminding yourself how special and blessed you are. You are not some wayward weirdo. You are perfectly wonderful. Go into a Zen kind of state, and let the cares of the world wash away.

You are a beautiful person.!! Never forget that, ever!

TR CH 19th March 2013 013TR CH and Cabinets & Shit GF Clock 042IMG_2714

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Till next time



Remember to love yourself x