Ode to Desperation

desperation

It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die

I pleaded and begged for some Peace.

The Gods they just  laughed at me

From them I’d get no release.

‘What should I do?’ I asked my shattered mind

As I panicked with each desperate breath.

The sun no longer shines anymore

The Sun’s been put to death.

‘I try and I try, but I cannot make sense

Of the Storms and the thunder inside

No place to run, no one can hear me

From my burning mind I can’t hide.

 

 

 

They Shoot Horses don’t they?

grief statue

 

I lost another Sister to mental illness last week. She took her life, after living for years in hell with a mind that was fucked, and refused to function.

YET, she did 12 years research on ‘the mind’ when she was diagnosed, determined to ‘fix’ her mind. but you see, the demon that is mental illness, won. No matter that she built a hugely successful career, is a published writer ( on how to deal with your mind, or actually, more accurately, how to master your mind), which is now used by therapists in their practices,  ironically,  didn’t work.

She was a Master trainer in hypnotherapy, NLP, and so many other things I dont even remember, and she was a true genius. She was an incredible self taught musician, poet, writer, leather maker, artist, singer. Impossible, that someone can be so talented, and yet, never properly educated thanks to an upbringing of poverty be such an amazing high achiever.

But there she was all of it. Still, the demon called mental illness WILL win every time. She even had a doctorate. If you google her name, she is referred to as Dr. Terri Ann Laws.

whaaat? you say? How does someone who is THAT intelligent, talented and entrepreneurial especially about learning everything there is to know, determined and desperate to fix and heal and take control of their broken minds, end up being a victim to this cruel evil condition?

Simple. Mental illness doesn’t give a shit about what colour you are, where you come from, how smart you are, how rich or poor you are, what clothes you wear, how educated you are, how hard you try to defeat it, it seems to laugh at every  positive affirmation you repeat over and over again, believing that these ‘positive affirmations’ will somehow programme your sick mind to be ‘well’. Not possible. A sick mind, stays sick. It’s just the depths that vary.

My heart is shattered obviously. I loved her. She taught me so much. She was funny, charming, witty, clever, had enormous intellect and a sense of humour that was so good it was wicked. This didn’t have to happen, but then I ask myself;

‘Would it have been worth continuing to live in torment, mental hell, for the rest of your life, continuously stuffing up with people, changing personalities, out of your control, forgetting your friends, saying terrible things to people that you don’t even remember saying….and believing shit that doesn’t exist, all the while tormented by the demons in your head’?

‘ Or would it not be better, that you let death take you. Free you from the horror that is more real than anyone will, or can believe, and finally, finally, be at Peace?’

HOW did she manage to accomplish what she did? We could ask the same about Einstein, also apparently insane.

Suicide is completely understandable and actually takes a shit load of courage to actually carry it out successfully. I understand why she took her life. But I cannot let her go. It’s selfish to feel this way, because it’s not a death we should mourn, but rather celebrate a Spirit’s new life. She is gone. Only her shell is left, waiting to be cremated.

Astonishingly, this is a poem from her book called ‘Help! I’m going crazy! which she wrote many many years ago, when convinced she was conquering the demons in her head, and would beat them.  What made her write this poem,  is simply alarming to me; It seems there’s always truth in what we project, even if we’re doing it poetically.

help im going crazy

Terri (1)

Fly free little bird. May the demons no longer haunt you.

I miss you deeply.

In loving memory of Dr. Terri Ann Laws,

another victim to the disease we call ‘mental illness’.

 

 

War Children

images (1)

So there I was, riding on the train, minding my own business,  whenI looked up at the posters they display on trains, from the latest mobile phones, to clothing brands, when an advertisement caught my eye, and startled me; Frightened me, and If I had magic powers, a few ‘important’ people, would be sucking shit from a camels ass for food right now.

The poster of a terrified little girl, behind her, bombs exploding, she’s filthy (obviously), the town they’ve pictured her in, is all but rubble, and she’s alone, made my heart do a hundred somersaults.

child of war

Then, what really put the cherry on the top of this horrific sight, was the advertisement line from the government asking the public for money to ‘help children in war torn Countries’!? huh? Yes, read it again….

So it goes like this; The USA and the UK, launch attacks on various Countries, in the name of greed.  For oil, for poppy seeds, gold and minerals of all kinds. Knowing that these Countries are helpless to fight back, they bomb the shit out of all the cities, not caring that there are  Mothers, pregnant woman, woman giving birth, crippled people, blind people, but mostly small innocent Children, who, whilst playing outside, are hustled quickly into their homes, by terrified Mothers, hearing the jets flying overhead,  and then, in horror see their neighbours houses get blown apart by  missiles.

The noise is deafening, and the Children scream in terror. They don’t yet realise that the friends who lived next door, are blown to pieces, arms and legs scattered around the rubble, but they see that their friends’ home is no more.

They huddle into their Mothers laps, scared stiff by what is happening, not understanding any of it. The noise, the screams, the sirens, and the mayhem promises to destroy these small Children’s lives forever. Those that survive that is.

So let’s see. The Governments of the strong Countries, slaughter the smaller Countries, in the name of greed. Children are left homeless, orphaned, traumatized out of their minds, petrified, at the hands of the offending Governments leaders – and then we, the public, who are totally against any kind of war, knowing it’s all bullshit, lies, smoke and mirrors, are asked to help donate money for these broken, homeless, orphaned, destroyed Children. and of course, we do. We, unlike the unruly indifferent powers that be, care. and boy, do those dipshits bank on our consciences. I mean we didn’t sign up, we didn’t fire a gun, we didn’t knife anyone, we just got on a train to go to a job, so that we can pay for a roof over our head, and BAM! we’re hit the horror of small children in pictures, begging for ‘the killing to stop’.

‘Why?‘ I ask myself. ‘Why is it, that the USA, the UK can joyfully bomb the crap out of anyone they please, but then THEY, the offending parties, do nothing to help the innocent that they’ve destroyed? Why is there not a WAR charity, set up by the very Governments who perpetrate these attacks, to give all the necessary aid to those who they’ve left in their wake of death and destruction,  crawling with legs blown off, little ones screaming for their parents, and those in hospital, who were already fighting for their lives, long having lost the fight. The hospitals are destroyed?

But hey people I forgot!…. there’s profit to be made in war! So, as the fat shit who sits in Office, drinking a swig or two of whiskey, the most expensive kind in the World, puffing on a Havana cigar, because ‘we’ve just won a victory folks! we secured the oil supply from Iran! Problem over!;  – leaving a Country behind filled with broken, shattered, panic stricken people, who have been thrown into a hell they could never have imagined existed. For what? Greed and hatred, he/she and their cohorts, are laughing loudly with a feeling of ‘Victory’, for murdering innocent people. The sickest part of this is, that they don’t even have the courage to carry out these cowardly acts themselves. Instead, they recruit men and women, who live in poor areas, promising them a ‘good career’…(I guess they don’t mention the fact that the ‘good career’ entails killing innocent people, including Children).

Then there’s a man whose family has been killed in one of the senseless attacks on his County and he’s just lost his entire family due to some Western Country blowing them apart, – maybe they were walking too close to the new oil line that is now being installed…?He’s angry and he’s hurting. What can he do to exact revenge for the family he’s lost? He has nothing left to lose, so he gets into a van, and drives innocent Western people over, kills them, then shoots more, until he’s shot dead. Do you think he cares that he knew he’d die? Of course not! He’s got nothing left, not even a home.

The Westerners are appalled at this man’s ‘cowardly’ act, and the media are fed to announce that it’s ‘radicalists, Islamists, terrorists’…doing this. WHO is the real terrorist here?

Now that’s interesting….What was their Country doing, when their soldiers blew the innocent people, who posed no threat to anyone, apart? Who is the bigger coward? and to add insult to injury, the Western countries, who perpetrate these heinous crimes, don’t have any integrity anyway, but they also don’t even have the morality of setting up a fund PAID FOR BY THE GOVERNMENTS WHO PERPETRATE THESE CRIMES for the victims.

This doesn’t make the man who kills people in anger, right. It only sheds light on why he’s doing what he’s doing. And then there are decent citizens of these very same Western Countries, who try and do whatever they can, to stop the madness. In vain sadly.

taxes killing children

What really pisses me off and upsets me no end, is that nothing is different. It’s just abuse and cruelty out in the open. Like 100 years ago, the Colonialists slaughtered, tortured and maimed thousands of African Slaves. They got away with it, and they believed that they were doing what was ‘right’ (in their sick minds). and they used ‘the Bible’ as their excuse! These sicko’s actually went to church every Sunday, holding their pointy noses in the air, singing songs to a God they knew nothing about, but felt very pious about praying to. Then went home to beat the child slave who hadn’t picked enough cotton.

Do you believe the cruelty and violence will ever end?

Even the beautiful, innocent animals are attacked and hunted brutally, to extinction, in the name of money. The Western Man is very clever here. He uses the poor underdog to arrange the poaching of certain animals, so that he can make a fortune from Ivory if that be his choice. The underdog’s family is starving, so he sets the operation up, because the cries of his starving children, drives him to do what the White man tells him to do. For a few measly pence.

Call me a pessimist, but I believe I’m a realist. All the ‘Hollywood’ actors, who show their faces ensuring the press capture their every moment when they visit a poor Country somewhere in Africa, where people are starving, showing them handing out scraps and smiling, whilst forgetting they’re still wearing their Chanel earrings, are an insult to injury. They are nothing more than people who are ego-maniacs.

and not to go on about this, but it’s an issue close to my heart, because I come from Africa, I’ve lived with these people and I know their culture and their thinking, and ANYONE who promises them just £1.00, can make them do anything. Their over-whelming joy and gratitude for a piece of bread, brings tears to my eyes. Who the fuck are these wealthy people, who token adopt these broken Children anyway? What about the others who don’t get adopted??

madonna

Do you know, that one ‘star’ (don’t know why they’re called stars, stars are beautiful and don’t call for attention), but anyhow, there’s one ‘star’, who has actually started a campaign amoungst largely uneducated African Children, with the slogan’

Together this generation will put an end to AIDS!.

‘say whhhhaaat?? (no I’m not kidding, and these poor, poverty stricken people believe in this lie. Of course it makes the ‘star’ look ever so important and Godlike. So I guess overnight, whilst studying her lines for her next movie, she’s also undertaking research on how to end AIDS? Holy shit.

Will it end? NO.

So is there anything you can do, we can do?. NO.

UNLESS WE REFUSE TO ENGAGE IN WAR!

Aah we like to believe we’re ‘helping’, when we donate £2.00 to Unicef or some other such organisation, but we’re only doing that to make ourselves ease a conscience we shouldn’t even have to ease. We didn’t start the fire, our ancestors did, and now it’s the current, corrupt, nauseating powers that be have,  due to their vile ego driven self righteousness, greed and hatred, that keep the fires burning, ever hotter.

But I believe in the power of love.

No matter who is killing who, if every single person refused to fight, it would stop.

If every single person stopped harping on about how ‘unfair’ it was to their people 200 years ago, and instead just adopted love, and concentrated on the NOW, they’d wake up to TODAY’S reality. War doesn’t care about colour, age, creed. It’s now also blamed on Religion, like it has been for eons, but that’s just a smoke screen for the real reason.

If every single person, when seeing an elderly lady or gentleman waiting to cross the street, walked up to her and helped her or him.

If every single person, who heard their neighbours baby crying all night, took the trouble to knock on their door and check it out, for the sake of the child, who could be being abused.

If every single person, stopped worrying about how badly WE have it, and rather showered love on others, and held gratitude for what we do have, then, like one candle in the dark, a million can be lit.

It’s simple.

DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY WAR FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER! I

It’s a lie that’s been sold to people who feel they should ‘protect’ their Countries, when really, the real threat lies within their own Countries Borders. sitting in plush offices drinking expensive whiskey, puffing on Havana cigars, while telling rude jokes.

 

 

 

 

 

The BPD Butterflies

Street Psychiatry

Bipolar and Borderline sufferers tend to weave a cocoon, much like a caterpillar around ourselves for protection from a world we are mostly afraid of.

catterpillar

This analogy I’m using to demonstrate the life cycle of Bipolar and Borderline sufferers is so apt…

The pupa stage is one of the coolest stages of a butterfly’s life.  As soon as a caterpillar is done growing and they have reached their full length/weight, they form themselves into a pupa, also known as a chrysalis.  From the outside of the pupa, it looks as if the caterpillar may just be resting, but the inside is where all of the action is.  Inside of the pupa, the caterpillar is rapidly changing. 

In borderline and bipolar sufferers, the pupa stage, is perhaps our ‘coolest’ stage, because it’s in this stage, that we are able to marinate in ourselves, unexposed to the world, wrapped up safely in…

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