The Mind is the Source of Happiness and Unhappiness…Buddha

How do I do this? Seriously, HOW the fuck do I do this?

They’re holding your ‘ceremony’ where they’ll sprinkle your ashes in the forest, and then the dysfunctional shitty lot of them, will all get pissed, be ever so dramatic, talk about wonderful, crazy, exciting, witty, daredevil stunts you did, many of which will be untrue, but they’ll all  agree, nod their heads,  exclaiming ‘exactly!; in tandom, no matter what anyone says about you.

Some will cry and sob, and make it all about them, just so that others can put an arm around their shoulders and whisper, ‘oh don’t cry honey, I know it hurts, but she’s in a better place’, and that’ll make the self pitying, self loving, self obsessed person feel so much better. Of course, it’ll become all about who is the most ‘hurt’…how ‘wrong and unfair’ it is that you took your life. So many questions will be asked amoungst them, stupid questions like ‘WHY? she had such a good life!’ or, ‘WHY didn’t she reach out to ME!’ ‘I would’ve helped her! I could’ve stopped her!’ and their pointless self serving bullshit will go on the entire day.

I hear they’re going to be streaming the ‘ceremony’ they’re holding for you, to all who loved you, so that they can be there in real time, albeit over the net. That’s good. I’m happy. There are many people that truly loved you. Your severe mental illness, wouldn’t allow your mind to acknowledge that though. I get that. It’s not your fault.

So my precious Sister. I’m sorry I won’t be at the ‘big’ ceremony. I cannot partake in a party filled with self serving, egotistical, dysfunctional people. As you know, hell, I’m not that functional myself!

I’m sorry I don’t have the guts to join them.

Please understand that I will, with my own family, go to the place where they hold your ceremony the weekend after. To the woods where they’ll scatter your ashes,  with my statue of Buddha firmly under my arm. Incense in hand, loads of candles, that I hope the wind won’t blow out and incense. Lots of incense.

We’ll sit quietly where your ashes are sprinkled. One of us will sing to you. I’ll light all the candles and put flowers all over Buddha. I’ll put your scarf around Buddha, and we’ll sit in a circle holding hands, then as the Gods hold our hands, we’ll peacefully let you go.

I hurt. I pray you have found the freedom now, to really live in Peace.

Your ever loving Sister. I will miss you forever.





Ode to Desperation


It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die

I pleaded and begged for some Peace.

The Gods they just  laughed at me

From them I’d get no release.

‘What should I do?’ I asked my shattered mind

As I panicked with each desperate breath.

The sun no longer shines anymore

The Sun’s been put to death.

‘I try and I try, but I cannot make sense

Of the Storms and the thunder inside

No place to run, no one can hear me

From my burning mind I can’t hide.




Here comes the Hurricane



OK, so I don’t want to sound uncaring and all, but….

WHY is it, that when America, or the U.K. are hit with some kind of natural disaster, it’s headline news, millions come together to give money, aid, rescue, post on Facebook, make videos of the horror and put it on twitter and ad nauseum, raise hundreds of thousands of Dollars, when all over the world, there is mass devastation everywhere? Why don’t we get to hear and see about that or them? Don’t these other people, these other Countries, who are in such a dreadful way, who are not American or European have any worth?

How is it acceptable for America to blow up children and their Mothers in Syria, or Afghanistan, or anywhere else they decide to kill, which causes worse destruction than any hurricane has, kill more people than any hurricane has, and yet those stories are ignored?

Are we to actually believe that it’s perfectly acceptable to wage war purposefully on a Country, like a hurricane wages war on a Country, only, the hurricane is doing the hurricane thing, it’s not personal, but the war being waged, is purposefully thought out and then executed against innocent people? Blowing up someone’s home with people inside it, is no different to the hurricane blowing someones house apart in terms of damage. The real horror, is that, where the execution of a home has been done by man, in the name of greed and fear, the devastation of a hurricane is an act of nature. No one purposely created a hurricane to destroy parts of America, like America purposefully creates wars to destroy parts of other Countries.

How is this acceptable??

Why do we, as sheeple, just accept this? Why are we so conditioned and almost mind controlled, into making a huge fuss about what the hurricanes are doing, but ignore the horror happening everywhere else? How?? Why??

As devastating as the hurricanes are right now, and it is devastating, no one needs to suffer that fear, or loss of life, it’s AS devastating to the citizens of a Country that is being attacked, with the same damage done to them, but purposefully.

Some American and British soldiers have been filmed actually laughing as they shoot innocent people on the ground, of the Country of their choice to pick on. So should we, who are not affected by the hurricanes, go into deep mourning? Should we rally around and give a shit?

No! Not until the rest of this world, gives a shit about what is happening in other Countries, and rallies around getting food supplies and medical care to the injured, and rebuilding bombed homes, or, better still, when the West stops waging war on everyone, perhaps then, it would be fair to care about what any natural disaster is doing in America or in Britain.

There have been huge fires ravaging Portugal this year. Did anyone give a shit? people were killed, lost their homes, their pets their kids, did anyone put it on Fb, rally around, raise funds, put it on twitter, open a funding page?  Not that I saw.

So let the machines rage on….in whatever form they take.  

May the dead all over the World, affected by war, famine, disease, or natural disasters rest in Peace.


The Colour of NOW!


it had to happen. It’s gone beyond pathetic and ridiculous. Emoticons are P.C. But still racist. If they, the ones that invented them, had not tried so hard to be Politically Correct, they’d have noticed how stupid they really are.

point in fact: the above emoticons range from the colour yellow to a deep black. Now, firstly, no one on the planet is yellow, unless suffering liver failure. So keeping things ‘neutral ‘ yellow works fine for emoticons, as no one could get offended by this colour being chosen for emoticons right? WRONG!

nooo, the smarties decided that the ‘finger and hands ‘ and other body part emoticons had to have a range of colours, because of course we cannot leave people of colour out can we? So for people of colour, you have various shades of brown to choose from, when giving someone the ‘finger’

If you’re from deep dark Africa, there’s a beaut of a dark black hand or, if you feel you’d like to be a shade lighter, there are quite a few shades of brown to choose from. It’s just wonderful how the inventors of emoticons have really ensured that they cannot be accused of racism, because they’ve given all people of colour, a fantastic variety or shade of preferred colour to choose from. WELL DONE to them. Actually….

why don’t we have WHITE emoticons? Yellow is a very fair and neutral colour, so really, who could be offended by not having THEIR colour available to choose from? Well it seems that the clever dudes up in emoticon Ville, decided to cover their asses, just to ensure no one of colour ever accuses them of racism, a word and thought that has taken stupid to a new level. I don’t see any concern here for WHITE people? What about making emoticons that look Japanese? Or Chinese? Eskimo perhaps? Aren’t these cultures deeply wounded that THEIR looks haven’t been included? Get real!

You see, White or Caucasian people, don’t seem offended by their colour not being offered for emoticons, so emoticon ville, felt safe to only ensure people of colour have a choice as to what colour emoticon they’d choose when using them. As I said, STUPID has taken on a new level of absurdity!

To get real, the fact is that we are all PEOPLE. Colour means nothing. If I, as a White woman, (oops hope I’m not offending anyone), needs a kidney transplant, then if someone of colour had my blood type and was a match for me, their kidney could be transplanted into my lily white body without a problem. Oh wait…..can this be right? What if someone of colour needed a kidney from a White person? Would the recipient accept? Or rather wait till it’s too late for a kidney, as no one of colours kidney has been found to be a match? You know, racist rules! Even to the death! ✊🏾Oh hold on…when looking for another hand to add on here, there’s a few gorgeous shades of brown to choose from….let me see…oh I know! I’m White, but will pretend I have a lovely tan sans freckles for my next emoticon. What fun! 👃🏼Ha I chose a tanned nose. How cool, how fair how fucking stupid!

We are human (sometimes) and the constant colour issues are totally ridiculous. I will happily accept a person of colours kidney if I needed one, even if it meant, that I turned a shade darker, which would so be to my advantage!

In emoticon ville. 🤘👍🤞🏽☝🏿👣🙄 actually perhaps in real life too!

have a lovely day…here comes a red heart, coz no one, unless they have only one brain cell can argue the colour of the heart ❤️.


My Picture Perfect Life of illusion

Please, come inside. Taking off your shoes is not a requirement, but you are welcome to set your toes free, if you’d like. My toes prefer freedom.

To drink, I can offer you coffee, hot tea, tropical punch kool-aid, or a tall, clear glass of water. You may prefer the water. Truths I serve here will be difficult to swallow.
My wish, if wishes could be made, would be to paint for you a word picture of my life that is so inspiring, indescribably beautiful, richly intelligent, and so wildly admirable it would have you striving for a life as picture perfect as mine. But if I painted you that picture, it would be filed under fiction.
Right now, you’re seated in my foyer, a place diligently designed by the mind of a perfectionist. Here, the ambient lighting works in conjunction with proper angles to show everything in its most flattering form. Solid oak, hand-carved, dust-free polished furnishings lead you to conclusions of solidity. This is a solid space on a strong foundation, elegantly drizzled with finery and accomplishment.
No detail forgotten, you find yourself intrigued by the creative concepts that made this mansion possible. Hand-woven silk rugs, beaded and embroidered throw pillows, puddling drapes, crystal vases with fresh flowers.
But if I break the spell, if I erase the illusion, if I cared not to enchant you with my distracting seductive song and dance, you would find your eyes disbelieving the dilapidated ruin in which you stand, and your heart mourning for the potential that once shone here.
Mental illness lurks here. Swept under that silk rug, stuffed behind the puddling drapes, in every nook and cobweb infested cranny, and was ignored, denied, and rejected until the elephant in the room pissed all over everything, and the bulls in China shops reeked havoc with chaos and dark destruction.
I want to paint you a pretty picture, but I don’t know how to do that and tell you the truth at the same time.
My truth is ugly and I tried to keep it chained in the dungeon, but there are no chains strong enough, no dungeon big enough. No lie loud enough.
Welcome to my bipolar palace, a house of mirrors planted on the tallest, creepiest, loneliest mountain peak my soul could find.

 Shaun & Marindas houde 004